What My First Pet Taught Me About Death

My parents bought my first dog on the spur of the moment and named her after a license plate. Her name was Zoe, like the last three letters of our license plate, Z-O-E, not Zoey or Zöe as I corrected teachers who circled my spelling with red circles through school. I loved Zoe. We were almost exactly …

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“Something Resembling an Adult” | Strength in Numbers | How it feels to be 23

Rain pelts the windshield of my Subaru as Brian and I drive by cow after cow en route to driving school. We will be stuck together in this car for a total of four hours this week winding along these same streets. Not so much "stuck", I volunteered to drive Brian to class after he …

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In Fourth Grade I Wrote My Mother the Creepiest Letter

We've been through this, I was a weird kid. Sometimes I think to myself--man, I couldn't have been that weird. Surely I misremember the past to some degree. I mean, look at her, she's harmless. What's a penchant for horrific masks among friends? From the time I waffle-stomped dog shit down the bathroom drain, thereby …

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How to Behead a Barbie with a Spoon and Other Life Lessons From Grandma

For the first six or so years of my life, my feet never touched the ground when I was with Margaret. We flew on her broomstick, in my mind, as she carried me around on her back. My mother sometimes had to remind my grandmother that my legs were in perfectly functional order and I …

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The Time I Learned German and Ruined the Fifth Grade Christmas Concert

At some point I should have stopped joining extracurricular activities. My track record as a member of fifth grade left much to desire. From the time I joined band and ruined everything to the dog poop incident of fifth grade that caused a bio-hazard and shut down my school, my prospects of ever being cool …

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