In Fourth Grade I Wrote My Mother the Creepiest Letter

We’ve been through this, I was a weird kid. Sometimes I think to myself–man, I couldn’t have been that weird. Surely I misremember the past to some degree.

This is an utterly normal outfit to wear as you silently stand watching your baby sister sleep at 3 a.m.

I mean, look at her, she’s harmless. What’s a penchant for horrific masks among friends?

From the time I waffle-stomped dog shit down the bathroom drain, thereby causing a biohazard at my elementary school, to the time I joined the fifth-grade band and ruined everything, to that one Christmas concert where I learned German and spoiled the evening for everyone, it is clear that my best intentions historically yielded unsavory results.

Recently, this golden nugget came to my attention.

This golden nugget comes to us in the form of a letter I wrote to my mother when she left to visit her brother in St. Louis. There is no date on it, but it must have been from elementary school because the first time my mother left to visit her brother was sometime around 2004. This puts me in fourth grade, which looks right by the handwriting. I had a teacher in fourth grade who joined her t’s and h’s together like in words like there. I thought it was the neatest thing, so I spent hours writing lists of words and the alphabet in that teacher’s handwriting over and over until I changed my handwriting to match her penmanship exactly.

Forgery, a completely normal hobby for a child to be interested in. Fun for the whole family!

Here is the letter, I’ll read it to you.


Brain, [my uncle’s name is actually Brian but close enough]

Hi, how are you? I hope this letter got here when Mommy’s there? Ok if I write her a quick note?


Hope the plane didn’t crash! 


Hi! I hope you are having fun. Make sure you bring me back something! Have a great trip!


Candy? [Here I taped two Starbursts to the inside of the card, where they have remained for upwards of 13 years. They smell of decomposition, which fits well with the theme of the card.]

P.S. Send me a postcard of Illinois. In Walk Two Moons, the mom dies in Illinois.

This last line is written faintly, in yellow magic marker, which somehow makes it more creepy. In my defense, it isn’t a good children’s book unless they kill off the mother by chapter two. Everyone knows that. Furthermore, everyone’s first association with Illinois is as that place where the mother from Walk Two Moons died.

Totally normal.

Hope you had a laugh,



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